Change Lenses- When Things Go Bad

Look at the bigger picture

Step outside of the moment and look at the bigger picture and not just to what you’re feeling. Often, In relationships, people who do not match your standards or don’t feel good enough for you will feel a relief in your absence and that can make you question yourself.

To have something or someone of value what you have to do for it or that person to keep in your life might be a lot for someone. They may not be ready to hold that space to have someone or something of value. It will stress them out so much that they’ll want to get rid of it.
Holding yourself to a high standard also exists in a non material way. If you’re in a relationship or single, think about the non material things that you bring to the table for yourself or for someone; If you value yourself and hold yourself to high standard, like you’re honest, loyal, funny, thoughtful, kind, good listener, observant to their needs, reassure them, acknowledge, you apologize and make changes, communicate and the so on…
Would you consider these qualities easy to maintain? It depends on where you are in life right? You might have already acquired a natural way of being in this way and others are learning that isn’t always easy, espicially when you’re dealing with difficult people.

These are qualities of value, you naturally expect from someone you’d want to be with because you can do that for yourself. That’s what makes for a lasting relationship. However, it’s possible that someone doesn’t hold themselves to such standards even if they love the idea of being with someone who does.

Many can’t maintain it. Dealing with someone who is of high standards they might hold themselves to high of  a standard and therefore hold everyone else to a high standard and that can be exhausting for someone or might be too much pressure. They might have to change their way life to keep that love. To maintain that connection is too much. The people of that same of caliber will be too much of stretch and they fold and fall to their default. The shift to hold on and keep it is too much pressure but it also shows the caliber they are not on. It’s a reflection of themselves. It’s a mirror to them. 

If they see the value but cannot close the gap you are not to blame
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They might see themselves as not good enough. If they see the value but cannot close the gap you are not to blame. People are on different levels, those are just the facts. It’s unfair to ask someone to change when they are comfortable where they are and do not wish to rise. If someone cannot rise to your level to be good enough for you then they don’t see the value. It’s possible that they couldn’t hold on to you for it required to much of them. 

The best relationships and friendships that I’ve had is with people who are already on the same level and at my standards. We blend into each others life and love. You don’t feel the need to earn something. It’s genuine love. NO BS. Positive uplift. Pure love. Being aware of this, I know what I don’t want. Some may be on the same level. This is when we see their potential but they don’t see it themselves, this can become a very stressful relationship. 

If someone can’t rise to the occasion, you stress eachother, or you can’t figure out why they don’t want you, even if you don’t see the value in yourself and you see it in them. You might not be seeing your own worth but they do. You will feel worthless with someone who can’t value you because they are not at your standards. The reconstruction necessary to get the things you want and behave and live is different. This requires a lot from you to close the gap to get the thing of value that you want.You may have to become aware to what needs to change in you, to get what you want .

You might have to mentally prepare, and choose the consequences. Vibrate at the level to get it. Think and look at life and what it takes to maintain this thing or this someone. What would need to change? Where are your efforts. Where is your attention? Be a match to it to get it.

People who are not good enough for you will feel relief in your absence. If you see someone feel better without you, don’t assume they are happier and better because they are not with you. They have relief from the pressure of trying to live up to a standard they couldn’t. You guys can be on different levels and that’s all it is.

Step in their shoes. What would be so hard for them to try and maintain you? Are they not use to doing certain things? Do they not have the space for it? Are they immature? Are they honest to themselves? Moving forward it becomes a release for you too. It happens for you to prepare you for someone better. When something bad happens we can be optimistic because it’s refining us for when better comes. Where our focus or attention goes. 

This is not to say we wish it would have never happened this way. We can still be positive and wish it never happened. People change. Circumstances vary. Mental health problems are at an all-time high, Morals are on the decline and some people are just comfortable not changing and it could be that you outgrew as they stayed stagnant or they stayed to their default.

If you’re sitting here with a victim mentality about something that happened to you 3 years ago then you have wasted 3 years seeing the negative instead of focusing on having to have tried the best out of your circumstances so the consequence is you feel punished and feel worse about the situation. There’s a weird comfort in thinking that you’re allowed to feel this way because of the bad that happened and “how I feel is valid because look at what happened”… You’re validating your negative feeling and that’s okay. Validate them, get mad, you don’t have to fight to prove it anymore and just let go. Shift your focus to how can this make me better? What can this unlock? Sit with it. A different perspective can help you evolve.

When someone looses something of value, they may have a relief. Now they know what it takes to have something of value tho and they may not be ready for that. Maybe they needed that self-awareness. They can choose to keep it or leave it but they may realize that later. It might feel like a punishment to get the stress and pressure off but it could be because you’re used to it. The pressure can come from themselves because they do not feel good enough for you. Trust how things happen.

It’s easier to know something was of value when you lose it. We take for granted how valuable someone or something is when we have it and we may never find it again when we lose it because we then see the rarity. It maybe later in life when they then value you and now they are ready because they have done the deep self-work to hold space in their life for their own high standards and now can allow for someone in their lives with the same values. That doesn’t mean you should wait for them! By then it’s too late. They should have never lost you in the first place. You are far too precious.